


Don't Look at Me

by MilesLibertatis



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Canon Divergence, M/M, PTSD, caring and concerned Shorter, physical reactions to ptsd, references to sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 09:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17343182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilesLibertatis/pseuds/MilesLibertatis
Summary: He knew Shorter wouldn’t ever want to harm him; he was different from all of the men he had been forced to be with before. Besides, it had been years since unwanted hands had roamed his skin, claimed his body for themselves. Who knows, maybe he’d even like it. He decided he would try, for Shorter’s sake. He swallowed and nodded. “Alright. You can.”Beneath him Shorter paused, his gaze that had traveled to their joined hands shot back up. “Are you sure?” He asked, concern lacing his voice. “We don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” Yut Lung nodded again. Hesitantly, Shorter nodded back. “Alright. But I want you to promise me one thing.”“What’s that?”Shorter made sure Yut Lung was looking at him when he spoke again. “If you don’t like it or feel bad at any point I want you to tell me immediately, okay?”-Yut Lung wants to make Shorter happy by letting Shorter take the lead during their kissing sessions for once, but his past still has an iron grip on him.





	Don't Look at Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, 
> 
> I'd like to start this fic with a few words. Please take note of the tags. This fic is very heavy, please read with caution.  
> This fic is very heavily based on my personal experiences. It started as a way for me to put my feelings into words and write what I wish would have happened by projecting this onto Yut Lung and Shorter, but I was also very motivated to explore a relationship between them - had Shorter lived - and how they would cope with Yut Lung's past trauma. It was extremely hard to write, the hardest piece I've ever worked on, but I think I can be satisfied with the final work.
> 
> Another thing: Shorter calls Yut Lung "A-Lung". This is a Chinese way of using pet names. However, although I did do some research, I am not Chinese so if this is incorrect, please let me know and I'll correct it.
> 
> Immense thanks to [Jen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1stTimeCaller/pseuds/FullmetalArchivist) for betaing this fic, and AJ for helping me get over the hurdle of finishing this.
> 
> With that, I'll leave you to it. I hope you enjoy this fic!

With a grin, Yut Lung tugged Shorter towards the bed, a wordless command that Shorter happily obeyed, his hands on Yut Lung’s hips and chasing those inviting lips. When Yut Lung felt the edge of the mattress against the back of his legs, he turned around and pushed Shorter on the bed. Shorter fell on his back, bouncing once before shuffling backwards toward the headboard. He held out his hand and Yut Lung gladly took it, laughing as he allowed himself to be pulled on top of him.

He crawled on top of him and splayed his hands on Shorter's chest, both to support himself and feel the ripple of his toned muscles. Due to the summer heat Shorter had forgone wearing a shirt, something Yut Lung was very grateful for as it left his beautiful torso bare for his hungry gaze. He dove down again to greedily capture his mouth in another kiss, smiling when he felt Shorter’s grin under his lips. Shorter placed his hand on his cheek, his thumb caressing his cheekbone, and then slid his fingers into his long hair. He paused the kiss to look up at his boyfriend. "Is this okay?" He asked, just to be sure. Yut Lung didn’t always like him touching his hair and he would hate to ruin this moment.

Yut Lung nodded. “It’s fine.” He kissed him again, stealing Shorter’s breath away, and then began to wander. He kissed his cheeks, his jaw, down his neck and bit down on his shoulder. Shorter hissed and his hands found their way to Yut Lung’s sides, fingertips digging into his skin. “Shit A-Lung,” he breathed, shivering at the feeling of Yut Lung’s tongue lapping over the sensitive skin. Yut Lung paused, closing his eyes as he heard and felt how he made Shorter feel, feeling pride swell in his chest. He opened his eyes again and tenderly kissed the spot between his ear and his jaw before kissing his way further down. His lips left ghostly touches over his Adam’s apple, then his collarbone, to end on his chest. He straddled his hips and sat up, letting his fingertips explore the wide expanse of muscles on full display just for him. He felt Shorter watching him and he met his eyes, bold and challenging. Daring him to say what was on his mind.

“You’re really beautiful,” Shorter smiled, resting his hands on Yut Lung’s bare thighs, just past the hem of his short shorts.

Yut Lung narrowed his eyes. “You know I don’t like hearing that.”

“I know,” Shorter’s smile turned apologetic. “You are though.”

Yut Lung clicked his tongue. He turned his gaze back to Shorter’s chest and let his hands wander again, not as enthusiastic as he had been before. They had discussed this before. Shorter knew he hated being called beautiful; he had heard that word and similar praises more than he had liked to, and all by the wrong people. So why did he still call him that? He was shaken from his thoughts when Shorter spoke up again. His smile had faded and his expression was now one of question, maybe even concern. He blinked, not having caught all of the words. “What?”

“Why don’t you ever let me touch you like you touch me?”

Yut Lung froze and averted his eyes. “This is fine,” he said, maybe a bit too sternly. “I like doing this. Don’t you want me to?”

Shorter sighed softly and reassuringly rubbed his thigh with his thumb. “It’s not like I don’t want you to. A relationship comes from two sides.” He caught Yut Lung’s gaze. “I want to make you feel good too.”

Yut Lung swallowed. This was not good. He could feel his heart start to race and his lungs ached like someone was squeezing them. To bare himself to someone like that, even if it were Shorter, was a terrifying thought. “This is fine, you don’t need to,” he repeated, hoping the urgency would be clear.

Shorter’s eyes narrowed in concern and fuck, now the moment was ruined. This wasn't the first time he saw that look in Shorter's eyes; a look that make him feel like he had said or done the wrong thing. He had never been in a real relationship before, he was growing frustrated with himself for feeling so helpless. He feared the day Shorter's patience would run out. He took a deep breath and looked away. “I’m sorry.”

Shorter shook his head. “Its fine,” he said. One of his hands left Yut Lung’s thigh to grasp his hand and tangle their fingers together. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just think it’s a bit unfair you’re giving me so much attention when I can’t give you any. Like I said, I don’t want to be the only one feeling good.”

Yut Lung’s jaw tightened and his fingernails dug into Shorter’s knuckles. What an idiot. What a horrible man. He truly hated him with his entire being. How dare he be so thoughtful? So genuinely caring? He felt his throat close up with emotions and unshed tears. He wanted to make Shorter happy in his own way, without having to bare himself and become vulnerable under his hands, but clearly he couldn’t avoid this any longer. He knew Shorter wouldn’t ever want to harm him; he was different from all of the men he had been forced to be with before. Besides, it had been years since unwanted hands had roamed his skin, claimed his body for themselves. Who knows, maybe he’d even like it. He decided he would try, for Shorter’s sake. He swallowed and nodded. “Alright. You can.”

Beneath him Shorter paused, his gaze that had traveled to their joined hands shot back up. “Are you sure?” He asked, concern lacing his voice. “We don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” Yut Lung nodded again. Hesitantly, Shorter nodded back. “Alright. But I want you to promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?”

Shorter made sure Yut Lung was looking at him when he spoke again. “If you don’t like it or feel bad at any point I want you to tell me immediately, okay?”

They stared at each other for a few moments. Shorter looked so serious, sounded so sincere, it constricted Yut Lung’s chest. How could he be so concerned about his well-being? No one had ever taken _his_ feelings into account. He felt his emotions bubble up again but he pressed them down, although it was progressively getting harder. Eventually he nodded. He discreetly took a deep breath to steel himself and then slid off Shorter’s waist. Feeling his heart thunder in his chest, he lied down next to Shorter and waited.

Shorter followed his motions and moved on top of him, his knees on either side of Yut Lung’s hips and his hands next to his head. Yut Lung averted his eyes and clenched his jaw. The tension that had wound through his body made him tremble. He really couldn’t blame Shorter for wanting to show his love for him and his body as well. It was a sensible thing for a relationship, or so he had heard. He had only told Shorter snippets of what he had gone through during tearful moments after nightmares and after he had first called him beautiful. He had no idea of the full impact his past had on him. He felt a tender hand on his cheek and he swallowed.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Shorter murmured. “Just tell me if you want me to stop. I’ll go slow,” he promised. Yut Lung nodded but didn’t look up. He feared he might break if he did. As vulnerable as he felt in this position, he truly wanted to let Shorter return the favour. No, that wasn’t right.

He didn’t want to disappoint Shorter.

Shorter leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on his cheek. Yut Lung closed his eyes. He was still jittery but he could feel the hesitation and caution in the simple touch and suddenly he wanted to laugh. Sure, he had been treated like a fragile China doll before but never before had he given permission himself. Sensing that Shorter was nervous too but truly caring about how he felt, he forced himself to relax. This was different. Shorter would listen to him when he asked him to stop. He had promised, requested it, even. He reached up and for once wished Shorter was wearing a shirt so he could hold on to it. Instead he rested his hands on his sides. Finally fully caving and surrendering to his boyfriend he turned his head and met his lips.

In the agonising minutes Yut Lung had hardly responded to his ministrations, Shorter’s action started faltering, seeming just as insecure as Yut Lung was. But when Yut Lung kissed him, he felt Shorter's breath hitch, and suddenly he felt a little more control. A kiss. That was familiar territory, a push and pull that made Yut Lung feel like an active participant rather than a passive object. Shorter let Yut Lung lead for as long as he wanted, and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude bloomed in Yut Lung's chest, so much so that he tried again, melted into the mattress and relinquished control once more. Shorter didn't seize the opportunity hastily; instead he broke away to kiss the corner of Yut Lung's mouth, tentatively, experimentally. Yut Lung breathed a sigh of contentment, and the noise seemed to spurn Shorter on, his lips still gentle but firm as he trailed kisses over Yut Lung's cheek and along his jawline. Yut Lung slid his hands further up Shorter’s back and dug his fingernails in his skin.

Although he found he didn’t dislike it as much as he had expected it - it actually felt pretty nice - he debated between closing his eyes and focusing on the feeling, or keeping his eyes open to watch Shorter, and decided on the latter. It was always a pleasure to see Shorter like this, eager and with a focus that made Yut Lung feel like the only other person in the world. But there was still that gnawing voice in the back of his mind that needed to confirm it was really _Shorter_ who was touching him. No one else. As he let himself sink into the good feelings that came with being admired, he was rudely yanked back to sobriety when he heard Shorter speak again.

“Can I open this?”

Yut Lung swallowed and looked down on Shorter’s hand holding a button on his blouse. _No,_ he wanted to say. _You can’t. Please don’t._ But what came out of his mouth was “sure.”

Shorter watched him for a moment and when it was clear Yut Lung wouldn’t say any more, he captured his lips again in another loving kiss while he started thumbing his blouse open. Soon the fabric fell open and left his chest bare to the world. Shorter broke away from the kiss to lean back and take in the sight. Yut Lung lay frozen on the bed, feeling those eyes take in every little detail, and he swallowed thickly. He did not like this. He did not like this at all. Even the sight of Shorter in awe and eyes filled with love was not enough to drive this unease away. He looked away. He slid his arms off Shorter’s back and balled his fists, his nails digging into the skin and he focused on the sting that came with it. Anything was better than being watched like this. He tightly shut his eyes and was surprised to find them wet and leaking. Shit, was he really crying? God, he wanted nothing more than curl up and disappear. Cease to be. He felt a hand on his cheek and Shorter gently called his name.

“Don’t look at me,” he whispered. “Please.”

Shorter had drawn back up to eye level and wiped his tears away. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked softly. Yut Lung nodded shakily, trembling all over from how tight the tension in his body had wound up. He felt Shorter kiss his forehead, followed by the light touches of his blouse brushing his skin as Shorter closed it button by button. He brought his hands up and wiped his tears away, effectively hiding his face.

Shorter closed the final button and withdrew. Even fully clothed, Yut Lung felt completely naked and exposed. It was like he was still being watched and hands were still roaming his body, like the thin layer of clothes didn’t make a difference at all. He tried his hardest to will those sensations away. He and Shorter were the only ones in this room. The only eyes watching him, the only hands touching him were Shorter’s. Shorter. _Shorter_. The name repeated in his head like a mantra. It was just Shorter. Shorter, who would listen to his pleas and requests. His body shook with quiet sobs as he tried to ground himself again.

Shorter's voice was quiet and kind when he spoke again. "Do you want me to leave?   

Yut Lung shook his head, still hiding behind his hands. “Stay,” he said shakily. Shorter nodded although he couldn’t see it, and after a moment of hesitation he lied down next to him. Yut Lung vaguely felt the mattress dip and focused on his breathing, trying to regain control over it. The sinking feeling that he had just failed Shorter unsettled his stomach. He had tried opening himself up to Shorter, but it had turned out to be Pandora’s box instead, full of tears, anguish, the ghosts of intrusive eyes and greedy hands, and a black miasma that seemed to suffocate him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t be.” Shorter propped himself up on his elbow. He reached out to touch his arm reassuringly, but seemed to think better of it and pulled back. “I’m sorry for putting you through this. We don’t ever have to do this again.”

Yut Lung swallowed painfully. What had he done to deserve him? He wiped the last tears away and rolled on his side, scooting closer and burying his face in his chest. The phantom hands still seemed to touch him everywhere and it made him want to claw at his skin. “Can you get the blanket?” He asked, voice muffled.

Shorter frowned. It was still terribly hot; Yut Lung knew a blanket was sure to suffocate him with these temperatures, but he was shivering, needing to cover himself to make sure no one could touch him. Shorter’s eyes softened when he noticed. Wordlessly, he pushed himself up and reached for the blankets at their feet, pulling them over his shivering body. He tentatively rested his palm on Yut Lung’s waist, over the blanket. “Is this okay?”

Yut Lung could feel Shorter's eyes scanning over his face for any signs of discomfort, but when he nodded his assent, Shorter's shoulders relaxed a little. Yut Lung drew a little closer and sniffed. "Thank you for stopping," he said quietly.

Shorter looked down at him. “Of course. I don’t want to hurt you.” Yut Lung took a deep breath and shuddered. “You’re an idiot,” he huffed. He looked up at Shorter and smiled faintly. He probably looked like a wreck, eyes puffy and red from crying. But Shorter simply reached up cautiously to brush his cheek, wiping away the evidence of his tears. “Call me an idiot, but this idiot cares for you.”

Yut Lung leaned into the touch. It was amazing how just a simple gesture, a simple touch could calm him down. He carefully scooted up a little and chastely kissed Shorter’s lips. They shared a small smile before Yut Lung settled against Shorter’s chest again. He was a little restless to know that his past still affected him this much, but seeing how careful and concerned Shorter had been for him made it all a little easier to breathe.

Next to him, Shorter started humming a melody that was vaguely familiar, reminiscent of a time when he had still been innocent. The low sounds rumbled through his chest and Yut Lung closed his eyes, simply letting himself enjoy being close to Shorter as the black claws of his past slowly receded, making room in his ribcage to take deep, steady breaths. He felt drained, an exhaustion that made his limbs heavy, but didn't quite reach his mind. He knew sleep wouldn’t claim him, but that was fine. Just listening to Shorter's deep hums that revertebrated through his chest, Yut Lung gradually felt himself come back to himself and tried to remember the words to the tune, knowing he was safe from the prying eyes from outside.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to hit me up on tumblr at hi-im-secretly-satan, or twitter at soysaucejar.


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